When the curtain came up: The "End" of the Pandemic

The sign greeting us at our favorite cafe, June 30, 2021

I must have begun writing this post 20 times. Of course the pandemic has not ended - only the restrictions on the pandemic have been listed. 

The “end” of the pandemic is a goalpost that keeps moving back, but after several starts and stops, the end of restrictions is something I can finally document. 

First attempt I want to document was in June 2021. I wrote of it in my diary here:

“On June 30th Oregon opens back up. That means no masks, no social distancing, no capacity limits. It feels incredible. I am so excited. We have sacrificed so much, and like Camus [from The Plague] we are finally emerging from the walled village. It you had told me back in March 2020 that we would not 'open up' again until June 2021, I would have despaired, but now I have survived the 'long winter”'[Game of Thrones reference] and we are on the other end of it. I will travel this year to Mexico with my friends one day. I will go out to bars and clubs again. I will return to this life I love.”

Then on June 30th my family ventured out to our favorite café where we had not been in so long:

“This morning we walked to Good Coffee, not knowing what we would find. The COVID-19 restrictions lifted on June 30th - the official end to quarantine. No masks, no social distancing, no capacity limited. I didn’t know if Good Coffee would be any different, but it was. No one wore a mask inside. The indoor tables were open. Two dudes were sitting there on their laptops. We three sat at favorite table and ate croissants and scones. The bathroom was open, the plexiglass and 6-ft floor markers were gone. It felt like before, only better, because now I will never take it for granted. I will return to all my favorite cafes and restaurants and indulge in drinking lattes from a cup. I will love seeing strangers dressed up on the city streets. I will dress up too. Life, we are back. The pandemic is not over, other countries are still wrestling with high numbers and other states in the US are struggling with the delta variant from India. We don’t know how immune we will be for how long. But I wanted to capture here, for an eternal, the timeline of the end of quarantine in Portland, OR:

March 16, 2020 to June 30, 2021"

Unfortunately it was not to be. Masks came back on July 26, 2021 (my birthday) and then a summer wave of infections came, followed by another in winter. In Portland we didn’t go on lockdown again, but I know some countries did. It would be another 9 months for us before masks came off, in March. 

At the time of this writing, I am on a flight with no masks, though I have two in my carry-on just in case things are different in Europe. But I still face a risk of infection, and presently, if I test positive for COVID-19 I would be unable to enter the US – something I seriously fear. Is this the end? If not, when will it be? When will COVID-19 be something we no longer fear? 

2020 In Numbers

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One of my favorite photos from 2020, taken mid-day in autumn in downtown Portland. 

I have not done a good job of documenting the extraordinary time that has been the last two years. Between the pandemic, the U.S. election, the great social reckoning, and the Russia-Ukraine war, I have also been juggling an explosion of work and the ever-expanding duties of motherhood, but I want to capture this moment in the pages of this blog, like I’ve been doing for over 10 years. In fact the 10-year-anniversary of this blog came and went without me noticing

2020 was just such a year. Up until the pandemic hit and we were in the worst of lockdown, my journaling has been sporadic, a sort of “whenever I feel like it” activity. But then by April 5th, 2020 I made a new routine for myself: to wake up on Saturday morning, drink coffee on the porch and write the highs and lows in my diary. 

“I think during this strange period of quarantine I will keep track of my lows and highs, and try to write at least once a week. Keeping a format like this will motivate me to write and to record this experience in a systematic way.”

I revisit the pages of those entries now as I write from an airplane en route to Dublin, my first flight in over two years. It feels so distant and yet we are still not out of its clutches, even though my plane ride feels unbelievably pre-pandemic with no masks. 

Writing the highs and lows each week allowed me to capture things as they were happening, and despite not going anywhere, so many many things happened. The lows of course, were the lockdown, the quarantine, the dreams put on hold, the depression, the deaths, Donald Trump’s fuckery, and (for me) the weight gain. 

But strangely, there were so many highs too. My business tripled (and the next year in 2021 it tripped again) and I started pitching my novel to agents and got 4 requests for full manuscript. While so much was ending, so much was also beginning. I really grew into my role as a consultant. 

So here is 2020 in numbers:

1 International Business Trip: Ethiopia, pre-pandemic in February 2020, just before things got bad

2 Domestic Business Trips: Chattanooga, Leavenworth, also February 2020

3 Average number of miles I traveled in a day after lockdown 

4 full manuscript requests I got from agents for my novel

5 Trips cancelled: Dublin (went in 2022), Tokyo (still closed at the time of writing), San Francisco (I presented virtually),  Washington DC (I presented virtually), and Santa Fe (going in 2022)

6 miles walked each week

7 New clients in 2020

8 lbs gained during quarantine

Dispatches from Addis Ababa

I spent a week in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia in February of 2020 for work. I did not know at the time that it would be the last business trip of the year one the pandemic hit. This is an excerpt from my diary as I await my flight at the airport.

"I’m sitting here in the terminal awaiting my flight to Addis Ababa. I have been wanting to go on this trip my whole life. Finally I am being paid to go, and yet I am miserable. Shouldn’t I be excited? Shouldn’t I be honored that I have the opportunity to participate on a trip in the way that I always wanted to? And here I am, getting paid to go to a new country, a new continent, on a trip where I am working at my top expertise. And yet I am sad, I am frustrated, I want to return home.

There’s something especially rough about being awake and at an airport in the wee hours of the morning, whether its because I had to leave my bed and ride a Lyft here, or because I had a long layover. I just don’t like missing a night of sleep, or being awake and sitting up when I want to be asleep and sitting down, or having to be in a place where nothing is open. Maybe that’s why I’m bitter now. Because I’m tired and uncomfortable and displeased with this airport and nervous about my very long 13-hour flight. Didn’t I write a blog post once that said, “the journey is definitely not the reward” after a particularly brutal trip to Japan, but that how it was oh-so-worth it once I got to Tokyo and had sushi with my best friend? And didn’t I question, every single time I was on a flight, why on earth I would want to put myself through such misery, and that I am never traveling again? And yet each time I get to my destination I quickly forget the misery of airplane travel and fall in love, once more, with this beautiful earth.

I think I am realizing now, that nothing I do is without sacrifice. A long time ago, when I was young and single, I once longed for nothing more than to escape life on an airplane and arrive somewhere in Asia. But now that I have a husband and a baby, every time I leave without them I leave them behind. I sacrifice time with them for these trips. But if I take them with me, I sacrifice time alone. Nothing I do from here on will be without sacrifice. I will always be giving up one thing for another.

- Diary Excerpt, February 14th, 2020 6:35am

Chattanooga Diaries

The following words are an excerpt from my diary when I was en route a business trip in Chattanooga, Tennessee. It was my second business trip to Tennessee, the first one being Nashville in 2011, and, like all business trips I was way too busy to devote any serious time to journaling, but I wanted to capture my experience in these blog. I did not know then that it would be the last domestic business trip I would take for a while, as the pandemic reached the U.S. about one month later.

“Said goodbye to the baby this morning in the dark. She was snoring sweetly and didn’t notice me leave. My heart aches. I feel I am on the verge of crying. Suddenly this blessing of travel, of opportunities feels like a curse or burden or “difficult time” instead. I am counting the days until February 22, because that is the day I land from Ethiopia, and then I am back in Portland a whole month before needing to travel again.

I am only here now because I have to be. Like a business trip that was forced on me. Like something I didn’t want to say yes to. That’s how it feels. The tears are beating behind my eyes. Everything reminds me of her: the Lyft driver talking about his kid, a woman in the airport restaurant whose son had the same pacifier as my daughter. I used to love travel, love airports, love new places. This is why I have the career that I have. Just talking about these opportunities made me excited. I have been looking forward to this trip for a long time. This is an unbelievable opportunity that I should cherish. But I miss my little girl. Is it this way for all mothers? While on the Lyft ride over to the airport in the dark, the driver was telling me about how contractions feel (he apparently did some simulation at a birthing course), and in a moment - as we approached he terminal - I relieved her entire birth. I will miss my little girl so much. At least these short trips come before the long one in Ethiopia. And at least the long one is not that long. I can get though this. 20 more days (and at least a few of them I get to spend with her). The countdown begins now.

-       February 2nd, 4:58am

Zuo Yue Zi: One Month Inside

I knew when I was pregnant that I would want to spend my first month of motherhood the way Chinese women do: by observing Zuo Yuezi. Literally meaning “to sit for a month” this is ancient post-partum practice of staying home and resting for 30 days after birth. The idea is that it take this long for a woman’s body to heal post-childbirth and that putting too much strain o n your body too soon after birth can create lifelong complication. 

The basic tenants state that a woman must stay inside, keep warm, and only eat certain foods. While that seems simple enough, there are some parts of the traditional practice which are very impractical and downright counterintuitive. For instance, here are a few Zuo Yuezi mandates I purposely skipped:

• Refrain from taking showers (way to unhygienic)
• Refrain from Brushing teeth (not a good idea for my cavity-prone teeth)
• Exclusive Bed rest (I definitely got up to cook and do light chores)
• Don't read
• Don’t TV
• Don’t climb stairs (impossible in my house)
• Don’t carry the baby
• Don’t look at a computer screen (yeah right)

The part about showers and teeth has to do with water, and the idea that water makes the body cold and women should not be cold during this time. I understand how this might have made sense in rural China 100 years ago but with hot running water at home there is no reason to make myself so dirty for such a long time. The other parts of the practice have to do with resting the body and allowing it to heal, but it seemed excessive to me. Of course I want to hold my baby and refraining from reading or looking at a computer just felt weird.

So despite skipping a few of the rules, I did pretty much follow the below mandates of Zuo Yuezi:

• Drink only hot liquids and eating only hot foods (well, room temperature)
• Do not leaving the house (well, except for Doctor’s appointments – these were essential!)
• Eat lots of meat and veggies
• Keep your body warm with thick clothes
• Bind your belly to bring it back to shape
• Limited visitors

There were a few great things that happened with my post-partum time. By Day 10 I had lost all 20 lbs that I gained during pregnancy.  The food I ate made me feel health and gave me energy for long nights of nursing a newborn.

Whether the Zuo Yuei diet was solely responsible for the weight loss and energy I can’t say for sure, but the practice did have some downsides too: I got major cabin fever after week three. I really missed adult contact, as I pretty much only saw my partner and family at this time, and I got on a really bad sleep schedule, often sleeping in until 12:00 or 1:00pm.

But now that I'm three months postpartum writing about this period I think the practices was a good experience overall. After the month ended I overindulged in ice cream and sugary foods that I missed, and overextended myself physically with long meetings for work. I have no regrets about doing Zuo Yuezi, but wish I didn’t totally blow my health diet or periods of rest on Day 31. 

Maybe the secret is not total abstinence for one month, but rather moderation for two or three...

NaNoWriMo Almost Complete

At least I got to try all the Starbucks holiday drinks I wanted

NaNoWriMo is as much an exploration of me as it is of any creative content I produce. I learn as much about myself as I do about my novel and about the writing process.

This year’s NaNo proved especially hard for factors I hadn’t really anticipated but should have. It may be a sign of things to come.

While I set out to write 50,000 words for a novel in three parts, by the end of the month I had only written 42,000 words for two parts of the novel, the third one left untouched. It was not a frantic scramble at the end. I basically gave up with several days left in the month.

What happened?

1.     I was 7 months pregnant and the third-trimester fatigue stated to sink in.

2.     Demands from the business were harder to set aside in the evening.

3.     The flu: this is what sealed the deal. I got a terrible flu the day after Thanksgiving and it wiped me out for a week. I couldn't’ even write in bed and by the time I felt better I would have had to pull an all-nighter to meet my goal. Maybe in a non-pregnant body this would be possible, but my pregnant self can’t stay awake past 11:00pm.

All four versions of the holiday cup

I am proud that I was able to get to 42,000 words though. That’s nothing to laugh at. I also learned some valuable lessons about myself and my relationship to fictional writing amidst building a consultancy.

1.     I already have to write A LOT for my business: newsletters, articles, emails, and jus the act of writing all day in that setting makes the act of novel writing exhausting. In my other jobs, the hours of my day were occupied by meetings, simple emails, teaching, and doing endeavors I would otherwise not consider creative. But with my business veery act of writing is an act of creation, and I only have so much energy to create in the day. If I had a less creative job, I would look forward to novel writing more and more, but that’s not the space I am in now.

2.     I don’t like working at cafes anymore. Wow.  A big shift for me. Cafes used to be my writing haven, but perhaps because of pregnancy and fatigue keep me home more often. I wrote most of my NaNo words from the dining room table or my office. Getting dressed and going out to a café to order a decaf latte just seemed like too big of a pain when I could just write form home.

3.     I don’t like Starbucks anymore. Since I wrote there in November, I avoided the dreaded Christmas music. This year, I did sample all 5 of the drinks I wanted to try, but I found them all too sickeningly sweet and lacking in quality. Starbucks coffee itself is pretty bad.

4.     My novel is no longer the BIG thing I want to accomplish in my life. It has taken a backseat to my business and my baby. Priorities, priorities. I love my creative work, but right now I don’t have the mental focus to devote to this endeavor. I need to get my business going and get ready for motherhood. It does’t mean I wil never finish my novel or write again. It just means that this will project will have to live on the back-burner while the other areas of my life flourish.

Day	Date	Place	Goal Words	Actual Words
Thursday	1	living room table	1,000	705
		living room table		1,013
Friday	2	Starbucks		618
		Starbucks		331
Saturday	3	14th Street Café	4,000	666
		14th Street Café		1,360
		Astoria Coffeehouse		1,094
		Astoria Coffeehouse		886
Sunday	4	Blue Scorchers	4,000	1,072
		14th Street Café		878
		14th Street Café		725
Monday	5		1,000	-
Tuesday	6	Starbucks	1,000	489
		Starbucks		579
		Starbucks		198
		Starbucks		94
		Starbucks		287
Wednesday	7	Little T	1,000	76
		Little T		761
Thursday	8	office	1,000	158
		office		217
Friday	9	office	1,000	3,343
Saturday	10	office	4,000	1,386
		office		2,996
Sunday	11	office	4,000	1,461
				3,372
Monday	12		1,000
Tuesday	13		1,000	-
Wednesday	14		1,000	-
Thursday	15		1,000	-
Friday	16		1,000	-
Saturday	17	living room table	4,000	917
		living room table		200
		living room table		797
		living room table		1,868
Sunday	18		4,000	-
Monday	19	living room table	1,000	2,087
Tuesday	20		1,000	-
Wednesday	21		1,000	-
Thursday	22	living room table	1,000	1,180
		living room table		286
		living room table		1,457
		living room table		1,240
Friday	23	living room table	2,000	1,740
		Good Coffee		195
		Good Coffee		1,428
Saturday	24	living room table	2,000	831
Sunday	25		2,000	-
Monday	26	Good Coffee	1,000	375
Tuesday	27		1,000	2,500
Wednesday	28		1,000	-
Thursday	29		1,000	-
Friday	30		1,000
			50,000	41,866