Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Sleep and Sadness: Maine Diary Except

Twilight in Portland, Maine

Like in Asia, I am still not able to write everyday. In fact, I am forcing myself to do so now, as I sit in bed right before going to sleep. Yesterday I had time to write in the evening, like this, but I gave in to sleep and sadness, I let them win.

Last night was awful. Tonight can only be better since it can hardly be worse. I wanted to write about it this morning but I couldn’t. Instead I voice-dictated some words into my phone while in the car in front of Dunkin Donuts

Yesterday was complete shit. Dreams forced me awake every hour. I could not conquer the fly buzzing around my head, like bad memories and intrusive thoughts. I was worried the whole night that someone would break into my hotel room on the first floor. I listened carefully for sounds that were not the bathroom fan. I felt so lonely. I wondered why I had come so long so far by myself, when there are people to miss, people to love back home. Maybe that's why I liked traveling alone before, because I had no one waiting for me. I had no one missing me. I was responsible only to my imagination, but now I have real people to miss and when they're not with me I feel empty"

The cricket chorus persisted through the night. A suffocating heat billowed through the open window screens. I woke up in sweats several times throughout the night. At one point, I shut off all the lights and slept in darkness, but when I awoke I turned the lights back on. Something was comforting about being able to see everything by only opening my eyelids. In the early morning when the bluish dawn began to seep through the blinds, I turned the yellow light off and let the room sink into the morning fog.

-       - excerpt from my travel diary, September 8, 2015

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